Forbidden
by everlasting76
Summary: Originally intended to be a oneshot romance, but got carried away. Zack/Cody twincest, don't read if you don't like. Zack has feelings for his twin brother, but will things ever work out between them?
1. So Wrong

**Zack x Cody. Originally intended to be a oneshot, but I got carried away ^_^ There will hopefully be more chapters. Slash/Twincest. First fanfic.**

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It was warm and sunny that day, unusually balmy for April. It was the day Zack would remember for his whole life. It wasn't the sunshine, or the half day of school, or the afternoon spent at the skate park eating freeze pops and slowly watching the sun set.

No, it was the day he fell for the one person in the entire world whom he wasn't allowed to love. He knew that it wasn't entirely that day, specifically, but it was that day when it hit him, truly hit him, that he was in love with his brother. Twin brother.

They were juniors in high school, sixteen years old, with their entire lives and futures ahead of them. Zack had a girlfriend, Cody was well on his way to having one, and they would be seniors in two months. Everything had been perfect. Up until now; until Zack realized that it was a lie, his relationship with Alicia was a lie, maybe even his definition of himself was a lie.

He remembered every detail of the moment, _that_ moment, all too clearly. It was forever branded on his brain, on the back of his eyelids. He was watching Cody laugh at some stupid thing he had said, drops of bright green from the freeze pop dripping down his fingers, the sun playing on his hair. He suddenly couldn't hear anything but the rushing in his ears, suddenly couldn't see anything but Cody, couldn't feel anything but that swooping feeling somewhere deep inside of him.

"You okay?" Cody had asked curiously, always knowing what his brother was feeling.

"Y-yeah, I'm okay," Zack had forced out, even as Cody's green-blue eyes gazed curiously at him.

Ever since then, determined to ignore the feelings raging inside of him, knowing they were so wrong, so forbidden, he had thrown himself into being with Alicia and his other friends, leaving Cody confused and alone. He stayed at Tom's and Jeff's and Alex's places after school, went to the movies with Alicia, and stayed out late on weekends. Carey tried to ask him about it several times, but he had just shrugged it off and she had let the issue drop.

But he was empty and lonely without Cody. He had never realized how much he had taken his brother for granted, how he had assumed Cody would just always be there, every day, every night lying in the bed next to his.

Cody finally gathered the courage to talk to him about it one night after school, one rare night they were both home, when Zack had been fooling around with the Wii and Cody had been studiously rereading his English notes for the test on Monday.

"Zack," Cody said, making Zack instantly look up at the tone of his voice, and then, blushing slightly, back at his socks.

"Yeah?"

He heard Cody sigh softly, and then the rustling of papers as he gathered his notes. "Never mind."

"No," Zack said, refusing to back down, even though it hadn't been him that had started the conversation.

Cody glanced up again, glacial eyes meeting Zack's, and his hand coming up to impatiently brush a strand of hair from his face.

"Look," he began awkwardly. "Ever since…I don't know. You've just been ignoring me. A lot. Do you even care anymore?" he blurted out shakily.

Zack made himself look away. "Of course I care," he managed, biting his lower lip sullenly.

"Then why don't you ever show it?"

Zack turned back to him, hands clenched into fists at his sides. He imagined saying _I love you._ He imagined throwing himself at Cody, smashing his lips onto his brother's. But imagination wasn't going to help him. Without saying a word, he walked over to the door, threw it open, and slammed it behind him as he ran down the silent hall and down the stairs. He didn't know where he was going; only that he couldn't take Cody's questions and hurt looks. Cody had no idea. He couldn't have any idea, because what Zack was feeling was wrong. Every part of it was wrong. He and Cody shared DNA, for god's sake.

He threw himself into the cool May evening outside, tying his sweatshirt around his waist, continuing to run, even as he had no idea where he was going. His feet pummeled the sidewalk relentlessly, the thoughts he had tried to suppress for so long coming to the surface. The way Cody's upper lip crinkled when he was upset, the way his eyes flashed when he was happy, every movement he made, each one seeming more sensuous than the last to Zack. He ignored the people, the cars, the city, the movement. He let his feet carry him to Alicia's apartment building, waiting as he was buzzed up.

She opened the door, surprise in her eyes, taking in his ruffled, sweaty condition.

"Zack-," she began, but was quieted as he pressed his lips to hers roughly.

She kissed back, slowly at first, then harder, her hands coming to wrap themselves around Zack's neck, his fingers trailing down her sides, tongue slipping between her lips.

He broke the kiss to gasp "Is your mom home?" and when Alicia shook her head no, he kissed her all the more. Kissed her and kissed her, leaning her up against the wall, kicking the door shut with one foot, hearing her little moans in his ears.

She took his hand and led him to the couch, lying underneath him, stretching her fingers under his shirt. He straddled her hips, kicking off his sneakers, his hand snaking underneath her top, unhooking her bra, sliding her shirt over her head. He tried not to think too much about what he was doing.

Inside her, he realized he felt nothing. Nothing at all. He was blank and empty and cold, and only forbidden thoughts inside his head kept him aroused enough to continue. Every time he moved, he saw Cody's face underneath him. He blocked out her voice, and in his head, he heard Cody's ragged breathing, Cody's moans and whimpers.

Later, with her lying against him, he fought back the tears. He hated himself for this. He hated himself for wishing Cody had been his first. He hated himself for knowing he couldn't tell Cody about it when he got home, as his instinct would have been, hated himself for pushing Cody away to this point until he couldn't tell him anything.

They were two halves of a perfect whole; why couldn't his brother see that? Their thoughts and fears and desires mirrored each other's, they shared everything together, and Zack couldn't ever imagine feeling this way about anyone else. For him, Cody was the end-all. And he hated himself for feeling this way about his twin. It was wrong. So wrong.

It was nearing midnight by the time Zack inched the door open, unsure of what he would find waiting. But to his relief, the apartment was silent, and dark except for the shadows of moonlight thrown on the floor by the gap in the curtains.

He went into the bathroom and stared at himself, at his reflection staring back at him in the glass. He could see the thin crack where Cody had thrown the baseball after being chased around the apartment by Zack. He could see the towels, his tossed over the bar and Cody's primly folded beside it. Cody's shirt was tossed on the floor. He could smell the soap Cody loved. There was Cody everywhere. Little reminders of him and them everywhere, and Zack didn't think he could take it. He wished he'd slept at Alicia's, before remembering the look in her eyes, the one that said "I love you", the one he didn't want to see because of the guilt he felt every time he saw it.

He thought he'd see a difference in himself after losing his virginity, but the reflection in the mirror was the same one that had stared at him six hours earlier, although this version of himself was slightly more rumpled and tired looking. He ran his fingers through his hair and closed his eyes, leaning on the sink. He slid down to the floor, staring at the pristine white tiles and the tan lines that ran through the white, turning the floor into perfect squares. His eyelids drooped once again. He curled himself into a ball on the cold floor and fell asleep.

Zack didn't know where he was when he woke up, the sun hitting unfamiliar places on his face and the cool tile digging into his back. He rubbed his eyes with his palm and slowly got up, the events of last night slowly coming back. He groaned almost silently and slid the bathroom door open. It was early enough that Cody and Carey weren't yet awake, and he was grateful for that.

On his way out the door, he stole a glance at the closed door of the bedroom he and Cody had shared for five years. He wanted to go in there and make everything okay again, back to how it was, Cody as his best friend and himself as Cody's. But he didn't know how. So he let his feet carry him out the door again.

When he finally realized he was starving and still in his wrinkled clothes from the night before, Zack slowly dragged his feet back to the hotel. He slid his key into the door and turned it slowly. He was becoming a pro at slowly entering his apartment, he thought.

He wasn't prepared for Cody to be there, ten feet away from him, lounging on the sofa. He stared at him for a moment, wanting to run away. To be anywhere but here. Cody opened his mouth as if to say something, and then closed it again. He dropped his eyes from Zack's and curled his feet underneath himself.

Zack moved to the kitchen, rummaging around inside the fridge until he found the orange juice carton. He deliberately drank directly from it, wanting to get a response out of Cody, who always yelled at him for doing so. But Cody, lips pressed tightly together, just looked away.

Zack wasn't sure of how it had come to this. How one look in the park translated to weeks of slowly drawing farther and farther apart, until his best friend had become his worst enemy.

He slowly moved to the sofa. "Hey," he said, uncertainly.

Cody looked at him for a moment. "Hey."

"Look-," Zack began at the same time as Cody opened his mouth to say something. They both fell silent.

"Where were you last night?" Cody said at last, breaking the silence.

"Alicia's," he admitted. He tried to imagine looks of jealousy on Cody's face. He didn't think there really were any.

"Oh."

"Yeah." He listened to the silent conversation for another minute, playing and replaying in his head what he actually wanted to say, the words that practically begged to come out. But then Cody stood up slowly, and headed for the door.

"I'm going out," he said roughly, and the next thing Zack knew he was alone again in the apartment.

Tiredly, he stood up and wandered into their bedroom. He sat on Cody's bed, smelling his familiar smell, intending only to stay there for a moment. But somehow he ended up curled in his sheets, fast asleep.


	2. Permanent Imprint

"Zack…?" It was the first thing he heard when he woke up, and for a blind moment he had no idea where he was, or what was going on. And then it hit him, and he opened his eyes and found himself staring at Cody.

"What are you doing in my bed?" It was a perfectly rational question, and Zack was sure that there was a perfectly rational answer, somewhere, but he couldn't seem to find it. He opened his mouth, as if to say something, and then closed it again. He watched emotions flit over Cody's face – confusion, anger, and something he couldn't quite identify. He slowly pulled back Cody's covers.

"Sorry," he managed, sitting up slowly.

Cody was staring at him, and Zack knew he had a right to be confused. But he couldn't find the words to make it right. He knew he would be a coward if he ran, but staying wasn't going to make things any easier.

He watched Cody as Cody warily watched him, climbing out of his bed, running his fingers through his hair, and finally walking out the door that Cody had left ajar.

He didn't expect Cody to follow, but when he turned around, there he was.

"Zack-," he said, but Zack just looked at him, and he closed his mouth again.

"I'm sorry," Zack said again, and headed for the bathroom, locking himself in. Once inside, he tore his clothes off and yanked the shower curtain open. He let the steamy water cascade over himself, and then, unable to resist the temptation, scrubbed himself with Cody's soap - the soap that smelled like fresh cut grass and washing detergent, and, above all, Cody. He almost felt guilty as he stepped out of the shower, enveloped in Cody's intoxicating scent. He wrapped himself in a towel, hoping Cody wasn't still in the apartment. It was, after all, a Saturday. Didn't his brother have things to do, places to be?

He stepped cautiously out of the bathroom, and breathed a sigh of relief when he noticed the lights off, and his bedroom door open with no sign of his twin brother. When he had thrown on boxers and jeans and a shirt, he tossed himself onto the couch and flipped the TV on, intending to lose himself in the meaningless, empty shows.

He jumped when his cell phone rang, the irritating jingle he and Cody had jokingly picked, and he stared at the caller ID, heart pounding. But it was Alicia. He had a ten second battle with himself, trying to decide whether to flip the phone open or not. Eventually, he tossed the phone onto the table in front of him, letting it go to voicemail. He couldn't force himself to say "I love you" one more time without meaning it.

For the first time in weeks, he didn't want to go out. He didn't want to do anything. He spent the day watching reruns of old shows, eating potato chips, and trying to forget about Cody.

But he couldn't. His brother was a permanent imprint on Zack's mind. When the TV became steadily less and less distracting, he turned his iPod all the way up, metal pounding in his ears. When that didn't work, he swallowed four ibuprofen dry, instantly gratified when he fell onto the couch and his eyes closed.

He woke up with his throat dry and his stomach churning, and the concerned face of Carey looming over him.

"Hey, honey, you've been out since I got home five hours ago," she said.

"Oh," he managed weakly.

"You okay?"

"Yeah." He pulled himself to his feet, putting a hand on the couch when the world spun around him. He stumbled to the bathroom to brush his teeth, but Cody was already in there, brushing his own. He looked up, and for a moment, his eyes met Zack's in the mirror. He shrugged and motioned to the sink, and Zack silently stood there next to him, brushing and spitting and washing the taste of sleep out of his mouth.

The clock back out in the kitchen told him it was a little after nine, and, still exhausted, he stumbled back to his room and fell into his own bed. But a moment later, Cody was there, sprawled out on his own, only a few feet away from Zack.

Zack pressed his eyes closed and rolled over the other way.

"Look, Zack, I know you don't want to talk to me. And I don't know why, and I want to. And…will you please just look at me?"

Zack was surprised to hear his brother's voice, and he slowly rolled back over, meeting his brother's eyes again.

"I can't tell you," he said, his voice ragged.

"Why not?"

"You wouldn't…I just. I can't."

Cody looked at him, and then, when he seemed to be giving up once again, Zack blurted out, "We had sex. Me and Alicia."

"I figured."

"It was…it wasn't what I wanted."

"Oh."

"I...Cody…"

Cody looked at him, his gaze piercing Zack's, and Zack couldn't take it anymore. He slowly sat up, looking at his brother. He swung his legs over the side of his bed, eyes still deliberately on his brother.

"Come here," he said softly, and Cody was in his arms, just like that. All the tension and pent-up frustration of the past few weeks somehow melted in that embrace.

"You had to be the first," Cody mumbled, face buried in Zack.

"It kind of sucked," Zack admitted, pulling back to look at Cody. Cody was grinning at him, looking like himself for the first time in what felt like forever.

His lips, those smiling lips, were so temptingly close. Too close. Zack stared at them, running his tongue over his own, his mouth suddenly going dry again. Cody's grin slowly changed into something more serious as his brother drew closer, their eyes still locked.

Their lips had barely ghosted over one another when the sound of Zack's cell phone made them both jump apart.

"Shit," Zack muttered, not daring to look at his brother, and, grateful for the excuse to leave, pulled himself up and towards the door. But Cody's strong arm caught him from behind, and he was shoving Zack into the wall, and kissing him, and _oh god_, it was so good. So good, and too short, and too much, and not enough.

He pulled away slowly, and then just looked at Zack. "Shit," he said, repeating Zack.


	3. Still Wanting

Zack, finally recovered enough from Cody's kiss to stop leaning against the wall for support, slowly opened his eyes and saw his brother still standing there. He was still giving him the same look, the mixture of want and confusion and something unidentifiable.

"Is that what you wanted?" Cody asked him roughly.

"Cody…" Zack began, trailing off because he couldn't find the right words.

"I'm not supposed to feel this way!" he finally blurted out. "It's wrong, and immoral, and…"

Cody looked at him expectantly, eyebrow arched. "I'm surprised you know the meaning of immoral."

Zack restrained himself from rolling his eyes, and then continued. "And we're twins, and it's just _not right_!"

And, saying so, he threw himself at Cody again, but this time Cody wasn't kissing him back. Cody drew away, quickly, cheeks turning slightly pink, and said, "I think I'll go for a walk," before he practically ran out of the room, leaving Zack confused and still wanting.

In the days following, Zack kept expecting something – another kiss, something said about the first, or anything. Any sign that Cody remembered what had happened that night. That night; the one where Zack's deepest secret was pulled to the surface. And now, it seemed as if it was to be pushed back down once more, because Cody showed no sign of giving in.

Zack had called Alicia back on Sunday, glad and then guilty for feeling glad when her cell phone went straight to voicemail, and left a message saying he hadn't been feeling good, and he would see her on Monday.

Things had been better between the twins, if not a bit awkward, but both seemed determined not to bring up Saturday.

Monday loomed ahead, and Zack's stomach went icy cold every time he thought of Alicia. He wanted to end it. He had to. He couldn't.

Zack forced himself to eat a few bites of cereal Monday morning. He changed his shirt three times. He clipped his fingernails and combed his hair obsessively. He brushed his teeth for twelve minutes straight, only stopping when his gums started bleeding.

He was still staring at himself in the mirror, his fingers twisting together nervously, when Cody yelled out, "Hey Zack, where are you? We're gonna be late!"

Zack wrenched himself away from his reflection. "I'm coming, hang on!"

The walk to school was unusually quiet for both of them. Zack stared at his shuffling feet, wishing he could go back home. Cody stared at the traffic racing by them, deep in thought. Zack blushed when their arms brushed accidentally, and moved farther away from his brother. He gripped his backpack tightly.

When they finally got to school, Zack managed to avoid Alicia by not going to his locker. His first and second period classes seemed to drag on forever. He was in a fog, not remembering anything a single teacher said and leaving his pencil unmoving over his notebook for the entire History lecture.

There was an assembly announced for third and fourth periods, and Zack sat way in the back of the auditorium, slung low in his seat, avoiding the eyes of everyone. He pulled his hood up and put his iPod earbuds in. He tried not to look around guiltily.

He almost jumped when he felt the presence next to him. He squeezed his eyelids closed even tighter, praying for whoever it was to go away. Subconsciously, he lowered the volume of his music so that he could hear whoever it was.

The voice he heard was thankfully not Alicia's. "Hey," said Cody, and Zack glanced up and half-smiled at him. The principal announced for the students to be quiet and pay attention, and the lights were dimmed.

Cody settled down next to Zack, his elbow brushing Zack's on the tiny armrest. Zack felt goosebumps pop up all over his skin, the little hairs on the back of his neck raising. He had no idea what the principal was saying at the podium. All he could feel was the way his brother's lower leg was _just_ brushing his, the way the denim felt against his skin. He slowly pressed his leg into Cody's, biting his lip and staring determinedly at the stage. Cody didn't move. Zack felt him stiffen almost imperceptibly next to him and draw his breath in sharply. Slowly, Zack moved his leg over Cody's, and for a few minutes, Cody let him. But he pulled back suddenly, and Zack felt cold air replace the warmth where his brother had been. He slowly turned the volume on his iPod back up, closed his eyes, and leaned his head back.

"I'm not gay," Cody said as he came into their room later that evening. Zack was lying on his bed, tossing a baseball up with one hand and catching it with the other.

He didn't say anything.

Cody slammed the door shut behind him. "You kissed me," he accused, glaring at his brother.

"You kissed me!" Zack said back, unexpected anger flaring somewhere inside of him.

"That's just – it's gross!" Cody said, raising his voice a little.

Zack groaned, rolling over into his stomach and burying his face in his pillow. "Fuck off," he muttered. An instant later, he heard the door open and slam once more. He could feel his bed shake from the force.

He felt his eyes grow hot, a lump rising to the back of his throat. "I love you," he whispered, licking a salty teardrop off of the top of his upper lip. "I love you."

Cody's unexpected outburst put the twins back where they had been, to barely talking and avoiding looking at each other. But Cody's comment had also given Zack a lot to think about. Even the word 'gay' made Zack cringe. He wasn't gay. He couldn't be. Gay was the word used to describe flamboyant boys in tight, pink clothing. That wasn't Zack. He was a skater. He wore Vans and cargo shorts and graphic tee shirts and kept his hair just messy enough. He thought about all the girlfriends he'd had. Girls were – well, they were girls. And Zack needed them. They kept some semblance of normality to his life. He wasn't gay. At all.

He kept repeating it to himself, like a mantra, over the next several weeks. He went out with Alicia six nights out of seven, threw himself into skateboarding, and made sure to be home late but not late enough to make Carey worry. She was busy enough with her singing career, which had really taken off in the past few months.

He told himself he wasn't gay every time he looked at Cody, every time he saw him half naked or the time he saw him wearing nothing but a towel, his slim hipbones peeking over the top. He let his brain scream that he wasn't gay every time he found himself sneaking glances over to his brother's bed, or when he felt his eyes drifting down when Cody was standing in front of him. Slowly, they became friendlier again, but neither boy brought up kissing or anything related to it again.

However, even though he tried to hide it, Zack knew he wasn't the same. He couldn't keep his mind off of his brother and the stupid tempting thoughts that kept dancing around his mind and the edge of his consciousness. Every day he thought he wouldn't be able to make it through another twenty four hours, yet he surprised himself every night. The guilt and shame and desire bottled up inside him made him feel like he had aged forty or fifty years. Words like _incest_ and _homosexual_ kept following his other thoughts; unwanted words staked onto the end of every sentence.

He hated it, and he still hated himself. He hated Cody sometimes, too, for being the way he was, even though he couldn't help it. He hated Carey for having twins, he hated his father for getting his mother pregnant, he hated the world for making things happen just the right way so that he and Cody would end up here and Zack would end up in love with him. He hated Alicia for loving him so faithfully, and he hated himself for pretending to love her back.

Things took a turn again one night in late May. If none of it had happened, it would have changed the twins' lives dramatically. But neither Zack nor Cody knew it then.

They were sprawled on the couch, more comfortable with each other than they had been in awhile. Zack was teaching Cody how to play a new video game.

"No, you have to go in _that_ direction!" Zack instructed, motioning with his hands wildly to the left.

"I've got it!" Cody muttered, moving the game controller jerkily to the side.

"No you don't!" Zack retorted. "You're going to get killed!" Without thinking, he lunged over to his brother, wrapping his hands around Cody's fists, steering the ship in the right direction. The victory message flashed up on the screen, and Cody, flushed slightly, turned to his brother and pulled him into a victory hug. Zack grinned against his collarbone, and then unwilling to let go, squeezed him even tighter.

"Hey-," Cody protested, struggling weakly before giving up. And then Zack pulled back, looking at him, at his ocean eyes fringed by thick eyelashes, at the faint smattering of freckles sprinkled over his cheeks. He was the almost the mirror image of Zack, but he knew their differences. Every one.

He hesitantly let his lips find Cody's, hearing his brother let out a small groan, shifting underneath him so that Zack was on top.

"No-" Cody gasped, but he was fisting his hands into the hair at the nape of Zack's neck, letting his brother straddle him, their thighs pressed against each other.

Zack couldn't quite believe what was happening, but he lost himself in Cody, giving in to everything he had suppressed.

He didn't know what would happen. But he loved him. _Loved_ him. Wasn't that enough?


	4. Black Bliss

**Lengthiest chapter to "Forbidden". Sorry for not updating for awhile. The last few days have been really rough, and I guess it's reflected in my writing because the ending of this chapter is a lot darker than I originally intended it to be. It's not my best work – it's too spacey and not descriptive enough. But I had to get this finished and out and done and over with. Thanks to all the reviews and people who read this – I didn't expect many people to. Enjoy? **

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As Zack slid his hands up the front of Cody's shirt, he thought Cody's groans were out of pleasure. But when he finally stopped kissing him long enough to try and pull his shirt off, Cody jumped out from underneath him like Zack had burned him.

Wide-eyed, Cody stared at his twin, panting slightly. "What the _fuck_?" he managed.

Zack raked his eyes over him, at his mussed hair and rumpled shirt, down to the bulge in the front of his pants. Cody's eyes followed Zack's, and he glanced down too, seeming horrified at the thought that his body had reacted so strongly to Zack's.

Just then, the door burst open, and Carey, holding a bag of groceries with one hand and her keys with the other, walked in. "Hey boys," she said, dropping the groceries on the table. "Give me a hand?"

Zack, shaking with anger and lust and unshed tears, slammed a few boxes of cereal onto the countertop by the fridge and then half ran, half walked out of the apartment. He jogged all the way to the park five blocks away, and settled himself down on one of the benches, numb. He stared at the grass and the people and the thin line of scrawny trees beyond. He refused to cry. He balled his hands into fists at his side and felt his eyes burn, welcoming the pain.

And he knew Cody was right. Cody was always right. It was wrong. He had always known that there would be consequences to feeling this way about his brother. There had to be consequences. It was against the law, against religions, against society.

He curled himself up into the hard wooden slats, the heel of one foot digging into his thigh. He rested his head against the back of the bench, feeling it press into his temple. He would not cry.

Zack and Cody had a new routine. Actually, they had a handful of them. Cody got up ten minutes earlier to shower and dress in the privacy of the bathroom. Zack followed suit only when Cody was safely in the kitchen, eating breakfast. Their clothes began to pile up in the bathroom, because they never changed in their bedroom anymore. They kept the bathroom door locked even if they were only going to pee. They never wandered around shirtless or with only boxers on. Zack wasn't sure if he was relieved or disappointed by the absence of Cody's old shower routine, which involved him wandering into the apartment in his towel, with his hair still mussed and dripping rivulets of water down his cheeks to his collarbone.

Their conversations were no longer thoughtful, or even joking. They were pointless and consisted mostly of one-syllable words. There was always that undercurrent of tension between them, and both boys knew it was only a matter of time before it snapped.

Breaking up with Alicia had been surprisingly easy, Zack thought. She had yelled, and cried, and pleaded with him, of course, but he'd felt strangely relieved as he'd walked out of her apartment for the last time that day.

It was an ending, but to him it felt like a beginning. It felt like maybe he and Cody would have a chance at working things out and settling back into their old selves. After all, he missed his twin. He missed teasing him and going to the skate park with him and having food fights at odd hours of the morning. He loved him as a brother as well, he realized, and he missed their easy affection and casual relationship.

Zack hated that their relationship had become the tangle of confusion and misunderstood intentions that it was. He wanted his best friend, his brother, his twin, his other half, back. Was he the only one that heard all of the unspoken words between them?

The tension between them did snap on a seemingly innocent Sunday afternoon. It wasn't unexpected; both boys were anxious and jittery after a day spent alone in the apartment together. Cody had been finishing his biology take-home project about plants, and Zack had been grounded due to coming home after curfew the night before when he had gone to the movies with a Jeff and Alex.

Zack was watching the popcorn bag slowly expand as it circled the inside of the microwave when Cody stuck his head out of his room.

"Is that popcorn I smell?" he asked, pushing the door open further and stretching, his shirt riding up and a hint of skin peeking over the top of his sweatpants. Zack blushed and turned away.

"Yeah. Popcorn."

"Okay." Cody came into the kitchen and settled himself awkwardly down into a chair, raking his hands through his hair, which was sticking up a little in the back.

Neither boy spoke for a few moments, listening to the whir of the microwave and watching the bright green numbers click down. Hearing the ding, Zack pulled the bag out and slapped the microwave door shut again. He padded over to the table in his socks, ripping the bag open at the edges. He took a handful for himself, offering the bag to Cody. He felt goosebumps rise on his skin when Cody's fingers brushed his.

He slowly walked backwards until he felt the backs of his knees hit the sofa, and he flung himself down onto it, scrabbling to find the TV remote. He flipped through the channels aimlessly.

Butterflies danced in his stomach when he felt Cody settle himself down next to him, but he didn't dare look up. He reached into the bag of popcorn again, filling his mouth so he wouldn't have to try to talk for a few minutes.

Zack watched Cody trace his tongue over his lips after finishing eating, forcing himself to look away as Cody turned toward him. "What are you even watching?" he asked, gesturing towards the TV.

"I don't know," Zack muttered, pushing the button to bring up the TV guide. He eventually settled on some daytime movie. Both boys leaned back into the pillows and pretended to watch.

Zack's leg eventually drifted over to Cody's, the same way it had in the auditorium that day. He knew he shouldn't do this, not now, not when he and Cody had so many other issues to work out. But he couldn't help himself. Cody's leg was warm against his, and that was all he cared about in that moment.

Cody surprised Zack by moving his leg against Zack's, and Zack slowly let his leg drift up and drape itself neatly over Cody's. He didn't miss Cody's sharp intake of breath. He let his knee shift up towards Cody's crotch, and made small movements with his leg.

Cody's eyes were closed tightly. "I can't do this," he muttered, but his breathing was ragged and his voice hoarse.

"Do what?" Zack murmured, heat rushing downwards inside of him in waves and pooling somewhere in his crotch.

"B-be with you," Cody gasped out, thrusting his hips involuntarily into his brother's knee. Zack moved more vigorously.

"Why not?"

This seemed to trigger a response in Cody, who yanked himself abruptly away from Zack. "Because…Because! It's sick, and wrong!" he yelled, pulling himself off of the couch and stalking towards their room. Zack sighed when he heard the door slam behind him.

He had no idea how to respond. After weeks of awkwardness and tension, they were finally getting somewhere. But it wasn't a somewhere Cody was willing to be, and, if Zack really thought about it, Cody was probably right. It wasn't a good place for twins brothers to be.

Deciding to apologize, he waited a few minutes to see if Cody would emerge, but when he didn't, Zack bravely headed for their room. He yanked the door open, looking at Cody sitting on his bed, looking small and forlorn and lost.

"I'm sorry," Zack muttered, looking at the opposite wall.

Cody was shaking. "Sorry doesn't exactly work here, you know," he spat, clenching his fists together until they turned white. "You know, I thought maybe we would forget about it someday. Be like we used to be. But then you start in with that, that – " The tips of his ears reddened. "That shit again."

His words stung Zack. "You liked it," he mumbled under his breath.

"I didn't fucking like it."

"Yes, you – "

"You're my goddamned twin!" Cody yelled, finally looking up and glaring at Zack. "It's wrong! It's sick, and you could be sent places for that. To get help."

"Me? Only I'm the one who needs help? You're the one who was – "

"I DON'T CARE!" Cody roared, interrupting Zack. "Just – just leave me alone, okay?"

"Cody – "

"GET OUT!"

"Fuck you." Zack felt hot tears welling up behind his eyes. "Whatever," he said angrily, turning from the room.

They were closer to nowhere, he thought. It was like taking two steps forward and ten steps back.

After the confrontation that weekend, Zack and Cody outright avoided each other. They didn't speak in school, and they only maintained polite but stiff conversation in front of Carey at the dinner table. Zack stumbled into their bedroom only when he was sure Cody would be asleep, and Cody left before Zack woke up every morning.

But it was killing Zack slowly inside. He missed Cody so much. He longed for him, he found himself dreaming about him and absentmindedly doodling his name on the margins of paper. No one knew how he felt. No one knew of the black emptiness inside of him, eating him away.

There weren't really words to describe it, Zack thought. It was like having a part of him wrenched away, a part he wouldn't get back.

He honestly couldn't see the point to living anymore. And he hated feeling this way. He despised the feelings bubbling up inside of him, threatening to overflow at the slightest thing.

What finally drove him over the edge was Friday night. Carey was out, and Zack had gotten home early, not knowing his mother wasn't home. He didn't realize he'd be alone with Cody. With this perfect stranger who was also part of him. A part of him as natural as his heart or lungs.

They were standing in the kitchen, Cody rummaging through the fridge, Zack staring at the cabinets in the icy silence. Their arms accidentally brushed.

"Don't touch me," Cody growled, pushing himself as far away from his twin as he could get.

Zack stared in shock. "I didn't touch you," he managed, looking at Cody with wide, pleading eyes. Cody looked away.

"I'm not going to fucking jump you," Zack muttered, turning away.

"Could have fooled me."

"Jesus Christ, Cody…"

"I could tell Mom about this."

"About what? There's nothing to tell."

"There's plenty."

"She wouldn't believe you."

"I don't care. I'm sick of this. I'm sick of having to worry about my perverted brother trying to get at me. I don't fucking care what she or anyone thinks, Zack. I'm done. I'm telling her."

"There's nothing to tell," Zack repeated, with an edge of panic to his voice. "God, Cody. You're so messed up sometimes."

"Oh, I'm the one who's 'messed up'? You're the one who's attracted to his own _twin_ brother."

"You are too!" Zack yelled.

"Don't accuse me of anything that repulsive!"

"Oh, so now I'm repulsive, am I?"

"Yes! You are! You're sick, Zack. Just sick."

Zack was shaking. All he knew was that he had to get away, and he had to get away _now._ He whirled for the bathroom, slamming the door closed behind him and Cody's face, twisted in hatred. He couldn't handle this. He needed it to be over. _Over._ This person he loved, this person for whom it was so wrong of him to love, so sweetly _forbidden_, had turned on him. Love had become hatred. Zack was seething in that moment, but inexplicably sad as well. All of this, all these weeks of trying and forgiving and forgetting, it was all nothing. Nothing. Cody was done? Well, Zack could be done too.

He saw the glint of silver lying against the sink. It was what he wanted and at the same time what he was scared of. He was scared of himself. But he wanted it. Just a little, maybe; just enough pain to forget Cody for a few moments. That was it, he told himself. That was it for now.

He watched as his fingers detached one little metal bar from the plastic. They didn't feel like his fingers.

Zack closed his eyes and pressed the blade into his arm. He didn't know how to do this. He shouldn't do this. He couldn't. He felt his pulse racing underneath the sharp edge of the cold metal. He watched, feeling rather detached, as the blade sliced neatly into his arm, watching the blood pool slowly around the end he was applying the pressure to. He knew it hurt. But he couldn't seem to stop himself. He watched his world narrow down to that point, to the blood slowly flowing out of his wrist and into the perfectly white sink. He could see the bright bathroom lights reflected at the edge of his vision, blurry against the stark, sharp image of his wrist and the jagged cut. He pressed harder, the pain growing and growing. He felt tears roll down his cheeks, but he kept moving the blade.

Suddenly, with horror, he realized what he was doing.

"No," he gasped, the urge to survive stronger than anything in that moment. But it faded away, leaving him numb, listening to the _drip drip_ of blood pattering into the sink, slowly speeding up into a _dripdripdripdrip_. He looked at the shiny red blood filling the white porcelain, forgetting it was his own and studying it with a clinical detachment.

He suddenly glanced up into the mirror, seeing his pale face and wide eyes glaring back. His eyes slowly traveled down his reflection, seeing the blood flowing steadily from him. He hadn't meant to go so deep, he thought, as the blade slowly slipped from between numb fingers. He distantly heard it clatter against the floor.

"I love you," he whispered for a final time, sliding down the edge of the sink, blood running from his wrist to his elbow to the sleeve of his shirt.

The last thing he heard before he slipped into the enticing black bliss was the scraping of the door and the horrified scream that sounded oddly like his own. He felt a crazy urge to giggle as he realized it was the one time he hadn't locked the bathroom door. But he couldn't laugh. His throat was made of rubber. Of nothing. He could barely breathe.

He wasn't sure if the "Bye, Cody," ever made it past his lips or stayed buried deep within his throat, but then he was beyond caring. It was over. No more hurt, no more pain. No more pain.

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**This was going to be the ending, until I felt too guilty and dramatic and decided to continue. There will probably be one or two more chapters, and I am intending for a somewhat happy finish. Reviews are appreciated (:  
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	5. Like There Was No Tomorrow

**Last chapter? Maybe? I think? A lot happens here, and I'd like for it to be longer, but my brain has other ideas. It's kind of a traumatic situation that needs to be a lot more elaborated on….ah well. I love every single review I've gotten ^_^ Tell me how you think the ending is? Too short? Needs more? Enjoy.**

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There was nothing but stark whiteness all around, the light hitting his eyes in a painful way, and the steady blip-blip next to him. He couldn't feel. He didn't want to feel. But pain was suddenly shooting through him in short waves, emanating from a point somewhere on his arm.

Zack slowly forced his heavy eyelids open, wincing at the pounding headache threatening to overtake him. He couldn't see anything but the white.

"Zack?" The uncertain word next to him sounded as if it had come from underwater. He tried to focus. He felt warmth on the arm that wasn't sending jagged streaks of pain through him. He blinked heavily, trying to move his eyes to the other side so he could see who was trying to wake him up. He caught a glimpse of blonde hair, and he immediately squeezed his eyes shut again. _Cody._

"Zack," Cody said in a tiny voice. "I know you're awake."

_No_, Zack thought frantically. _Not awake_.

"If…if what you did…"Cody trailed off, breathing shallowly. "If it was because of me, I – Zack, I don't even know what to say…"

Zack bit down hard on the edge of his tongue, tasting blood.

"Please say something," Cody cried, a hint of desperation in his voice.

Zack's mouth felt too dry to get a single word out, but he blinked his eyes open again and focused on his brother. Cody stroked his arm wordlessly, laying his head down next to his brother's on the pillow. Their eyes locked, both boys trying to communicate their feelings without words.

Then, bravely, Cody reached out and stroked Zack's hair away from his face. He traced his fingers over Zack's forehead, his cheeks, his nose, his lips, leaving a trail of heat.

"You almost died," he said roughly, his eyes turning shiny and moist. "I'm so sorry, it's my fault, I know it was – " Zack shook his head almost imperceptibly. "My fault," Zack croaked out, wanting to cry, but his throat was still too dry. Cody wordlessly pulled his arms around his brother. "It wasn't your fault," he told him. "Don't ever think that."

oOoOoOo

The doctor told Zack he would need to see a psychiatrist. He told him anti-depressants would help him, and that he'd have to stay in the hospital for a while longer. He told him he was lucky to be alive; lucky to have a brother and mom who cared so much. Zack wanted to explain that he'd never meant to do this, but he couldn't find the words. He nodded along with the doctor, pretending like he agreed to everything.

Cody stayed by his bedside almost all the time. He talked about school and friends and TV and music, and Zack was so grateful he was there that sometimes and started crying for no reason and they'd end up in each other's arms again. But the one thing Cody never talked about again was the reason Zack was in the hospital. He left their relationship, and Zack's near suicide, untouched.

Zack learned a lot more from Carey. He learned that it had taken him a day and a half to wake up, that he'd needed a blood transplant, and twelve stitches in his arm that would come out in two weeks. He learned of how Cody had called her, sobbing, screaming, telling her Zack was dead and it was his fault; and how she'd rushed back to the hotel to find an ambulance driving away. She wasn't exactly angry at Zack, but, unlike Cody, she had no reason to fathom Zack doing this to himself. Every time she asked why, Zack just mumbled something that neither of them could hear, and turned his head away.

After five days of being in the intensive care unit, hooked up to tons of scary machines, Zack was moved down to the psychiatric ward. He wanted to cry when he realized where he was being taken. _I'm okay! _He wanted to yell. Because he was. He was okay. Cody didn't hate him, at least not right now. And if Cody didn't hate him, Zack was okay.

The nurse told him that he'd be there for a week, so he could "recover". Zack willingly nodded along to everything she said, knowing it would be a long week.

And it was a long week. It was a week full of prying psychologists and nurses, a week devoid of shoelaces and sharp objects and belts for pants. Zack was stuck in a tiny room with windows looking into the hall, so nurses could look in on him every once in a while. He felt like he was in a fish tank. The furniture was all bolted to the floor, and the small window that looked outside was made of thick, foggy glass. Zack was miserable. He could only see Cody and Carey for an hour everyday; and that wasn't nearly enough. His friends weren't allowed to visit.

Carey had calmed down enough to stop asking Zack why, and she just made small talk with him. So did Cody. But Zack never cared, as long as he could see them. It was the one thing that kept him going.

The doctors didn't believe him when he told them that he wasn't depressed, or suicidal. They just prescribed medication in the form of small blue pills which Zack hid carefully at the back of his mouth until he could go to the bathroom and spit it into the toilet or the sink. He had to be careful; he had no idea if there were cameras in the bathroom as well as his room, watching him constantly.

He felt horrible for the other people in the unit. They all wore gray, ashen faces, and wandered around aimlessly, or just sat and stared into space. Zack couldn't understand why they were locked up this way. If someone was feeling so bad that they couldn't live anymore, he thought it was crueler to lock them up and _force_ them to live. Suicide was only selfish to the people who didn't want the person dead because it made _them_ feel bad. Zack thought that he had way too much spare time to think about all of this. He just wanted to go home and be normal again and not worry about suicide and depression and all these stupid medical terms that were attached to him now.

He got his wish after the horrible week from hell that had dragged on forever was finally over. The car ride home was awkward, with Carey chattering about nothing and Cody curled up into a ball, staring out the window, throwing anxious glances at Zack every now and then. Zack clenched his hands into fists between his knees and said the occasional "mhm" to keep Carey satisfied and babbling.

When Zack was finally home, he immediately made a beeline for his and Cody's bedroom. Not caring if Cody came in, Zack stripped off the awful cotton hospital shirt and pants and underwear and pulled on a pair of boxers and jeans. He wandered back into the living room half naked.

Cody caught his eye briefly and glanced down again, but then he stood up and stretched, saying, "Boy, I'm tired. I think I'm going to take a nap."

"Okay, sweetie," Carey said absentmindedly, her eyes focused on Zack.

"Um," Zack said. "Me too. I'll talk to you tomorrow morning, Mom," he added hastily, already pulling the door shut behind him.

He turned to face Cody, unable to read the expression on his twin's face. He opened his mouth to say something, _anything_, when Cody suddenly threw himself at Zack, his hands warm on the bare skin of Zack's back. Zack was too shocked to react for a moment, before he pulled his brother to him tightly, hugging him like there was no tomorrow.

"I am so, so, so sorry," Cody breathed into his ear, the warmth of his words making Zack shiver slightly. "I – we need to talk," he managed, pulling away, his hands still locked behind Zack's back. Zack can't do anything except nod and follow his brother to his bed. Cody takes a deep breath as they sit down.

He opens his mouth, closes it, notices Zack's expectant stare, and opens it again. "It was because of me, wasn't it?" he asks, wincing.

Zack shrugs. "it wasn't your fault, though," he tells him, wanting Cody to know that it truly isn't. "It's mine. Like you said, I'm the sick and twisted –"

"No!" Cody cuts him off, anger in his voice, eyes flashing. "I could have reacted better to it, I really could have, but that's not the point. You almost _died_, Zack, and it's my fault!"

"It's NOT your fault!" Zack hisses, trying to make Cody understand.

"I just…" Cody murmured. "I was _scared, _Zack." Something about his words makes Zack shiver again. He rubs a finger over his stitches nervously.  
"Scared of what?"

Cody glances up quickly and meets his eyes. "We _are_ twins, you know," he mutters, tugging the front of his shirt nervously.

"And?" Zack says, trying to be patient. He just wants Cody to get to the point.

"You're not supposed to like me, and I'm not supposed to like you."

"We've been over this before," Zack says wearily. "But I like you."

"Yeah," Cody agrees, twisting his hands together in his lap.

Zack folds a leg under himself. "Your point?"

"I – I can't explain it…I don't even think I'm _sure…_of this, of what I'm feeling, I just..."

"What you're feeling?" Zack tries to quench the hopeful feeling in the pit of his stomach.

"When you kissed me…and…and stuff, I mean…it felt _right_. But it's not supposed to, and I was so scared, scared that I – maybe, maybe I – _liked_ you back, and…" he trails off, wide-eyed. Zack tries very hard not to smile.

"I just," Cody continues, finally looking up to meet Zack's eyes again, his cheeks slightly pink, "I was angry. And I didn't _want_ to like you. B-but I – I _wanted_ you." His cheeks have gone from pink to red. "And I couldn't deal with that. And I said all that…you know, and I yelled at you and pushed you away. Because I thought it would help. I thought distance would help. And I was completely wrong. And these past few months have been awful, Zack, and I miss you so much, and I had no idea you were going to – you know, do _that_, and I knew it was my fault, and I couldn't take that, and – "

"You're doing that thing you do when you get nervous," Zack cuts him off. "You know, rambling."

"I know."

Zack grins.

"But," Cody starts, "We absolutely can't do this. There's no way. I mean, there's always going to be other people, people that are okay for us to be with."

Zack knew this was coming. He knew it was too good to be true.

"But you're my best friend," Cody continues. "And I can't live without you," he admits, a small smile playing on the corners of his lips.

"Me neither," Zack says softly, almost whispering. Their eyes meet and lock, and then Zack forms a half-smile. "Friends?" he asks.

Cody smiles as well. "Friends," he agrees, and leans forward and into Zack. They hug for a long time, rocking back and forth, conveying their feelings without words. Finally, Cody resists a little, and Zack lets him go, feeling cold air replace all the parts Cody had been touching.

"Um," Cody says, looking at Zack cautiously. "I mean, about all that time you spent in the hospital…"

"I don't really want to talk about it," Zack tells him. "It's done, Cody. Over and done with. And I know we can't pretend like it didn't happen, but I didn't mean for it to and…I just…I don't want to talk about it."

Cody nods understandingly. "I can't believe I almost lost you," he says thickly, pulling Zack into his arms again. When they pull back this time, there is something different in his eyes. If Zack knew better, he'd say it was desire. But it couldn't be.

Cody's arms are still around him, making Zack feel a little tingly. He moves to pull away, but Cody holds him tight. And then he is tilting his head slightly and leaning forward, and Zack doesn't know quite what he's doing until he feels their lips press together. Cody's lips are soft and sweet and warm, and Zack moves his lips together with Cody's, until he finally manages to pull himself away.

"Whatever happened to 'we absolutely can't do this'?" he asks, tousling his fingers in Cody's hair.

"Screw it," Cody mutters, grinning, and then they're kissing again, this time with more urgency. And Zack is pushing Cody onto his bed, crawling on top of him, kissing and touching, and it is _so good._ It's better than anything ever could be, _anything._

"So all that fuss and hospital time and shit for nothing?" he asks teasingly, between kisses, his mouth still tasting sweetly of his brother.

"Sorry," Cody says, looking up at his Zack with his wide, adorable eyes.

"You know I didn't mean it," Zack murmurs, trailing kisses down Cody's neck. "This makes it all worth it. Anything would have made this all worth it." Cody smiles.

"I – I love you," Cody blurts, and Zack pulls himself up, peering down at his brother. Cody has said it before, but never like this. Cody looks so vulnerable, they way Zack imagines he must have a few weeks ago. He smirks, and presses a light kiss to Cody's lips, tugging at his shirt.

"Love you too," he says, pulling the shirt up over Cody's neck, trailing his fingers down Cody's chest. "And now," he says, rolling his hips so they collide with Cody's, creating hot friction between them, "I think have you have a lot to make up for."

And then they are falling into pure ecstasy, and _god,_ it is perfect. Perfect. Zack feels complete. Maybe things can't stay like this forever. He knows he has to explain the cut to Carey and his friends and some stupid therapist. But for now, they have this little piece of forever to themselves. And that's all Zack needs.

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**Hope you liked it (: I don't know if it needs more. I don't know if I can possibly write more. But I'm not marking it complete just yet. I know Zack and Cody were rather OOC and some parts were overly dramatic and not well written and the plot was rather choppy, but I had fun writing and I hope you had fun reading. **


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